Tuesday, May 23, 2006

7 Little, 8 Little, 9 Little Bats That Suck...

For tonight's "must-win" (in that in my mind all games against the Spanks are must-win) game against NY, the Sox trotted out Alex Cora, Doug Mirabelli, and Willie Harris to bat 7-8-9. I don't need to put a single stat down here for you to understand, thoroughly and completely, that you generally will not beat a quality team with those three albatrosses around your neck in the bottom third of the order. In fact, I bet you're thinking right now - if you haven't already turned on the game and said it out loud -"Sweet Jesus, is that all we have?!"

As it turns out, no. In spite of the fact that combined, they are not hitting over the Mendoza line, it could be worse. Alex Gonzalez could be hitting tonight, and then Cora's .242 wouldn't be there to lift the other guys up. I have always felt OK about having Cora in the lineup, but that was when I assumed he would be the worst bat in it! Mirabelli is done, he just can't hit anymore, but Willie Harris could never hit. Ever.

I joke about the Yankees having to trot Bernie out there in CF and Melky Cabrera out in RF but seriously, given a choice between Melky and Willie, I'm pretty damn sure I'd take Melky. Shit, Melky's hitting .306 and getting on base 1/3 of his at-bats. Willie is being diminutive. That's all he brings to the table, the fact that he lets me use the term "diminutive". That's it.

Meanwhile, it's the third inning and Bad Tim has knocked Good Tim unconscious and taken the reigns. The Sox are already down 3-0, Bad Tim is walking guys left and right and getting peppered by the GQ brothers Johnny and Jetes. Everything about the game is sucking, and I still have to look at Willie Harris's name on the lineup sheet. Wily Mo, heal thyself.

Now, nothing is over. If your team loses to Jaret Wright, they cannot call themselves a championship team, so there is still hope. Granted, they're playing crippled, but still, I have faith in Little Paper-Arm's ability to blow up. All I know for sure is that he won't do it in the bottom third of the order.

Note: I am lying my ass off in that last paragraph. There is no way this or any team can come back from three down with Dougie and Willie getting at-bats and Bad Timmeh on the mound. This check's been cashed. Turn on the Simpsons, pronto.

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